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I couldn’t trust others and I couldn’t trust myself. If I felt even the slightest stirring of attraction, I flinched, convinced I had encountered yet another nicely packaged pain-delivery system. My forays into the world of and Lesbian Lovefinder had only reinforced my sense that intimate relationships were no longer possible for me. In the matter of intimate relationships, it was obvious that I couldn’t be trusted to choose wisely or well. I thought I was a person capable of keeping a long-term relationship going. I thought I knew who would be good for me and to me. I thought I knew who would be faithful and true. From the carnage, I had also deciphered another message: I had trusted her completely and been utterly mistaken. I had gotten the message: I wasn’t lovable and didn’t deserve to be treated well. “Judy!” cried my friend, Ron, when he heard of the betrayal. I was damaged goods, discarded some years earlier by my partner of 17 years, who left me for a younger woman. I did not consider myself to be a candidate for love. Then she said, “You don’t remember me, do you?” She told me which right, then left, then right, to take. I felt certain she was headed to the wine class, so I stopped her to get directions. I wandered, becoming more and more distressed at every false turn, looking for but not finding the room in which the wine class was held.Īnd then I saw her: this gorgeous woman, beautifully dressed in a stylish raincoat and elegant boots, striding down the hallway, purposeful, sure of herself, her short white hair spiked with purple. I had joined the class to help an ailing and mostly housebound friend who needed stimulation, thinking the outings would be good for her, but on this night my friend was sick, so I went alone.Īfter entering the school building where the class was held through an unfamiliar door, I became lost within seconds in the maze of corridors that students somehow negotiated every day. I had been there through the talk about whites and the sessions on bubblies.
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Knowing as much as she needed to know about white wine, she had not joined the class until the talk turned to reds.